Take the Red Pill or the Blue Pill

I thought today I'd post on my view on anti-anxiety medications. First off let me say, i do not think someone who has had long term serious anxiety since childhood can function to a level that is on track with everyone else without medication. The route of anxiety, and ocd is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It's neurons firing wrong. While therapy is also needed, and you CAN re-train how your brain thinks, i do not believe it is possible to even get to a place where you are able to have a polite chat with your brain to say SHAPE UP without medication. Hope that made sense.

So before i move on let me say that up until my mid teens i was COMPLETELY against medication. I remember the reason i didn't want it was because i was afraid it was change how i thought. Change how my mind worked. Which is what it's meant to do if you think about it. But i didn't want to lose my creativity. I didn't want to lose my imagination. I didn't want to lose the one thing i had that made me feel special. My ability to create things in my head and put them to paper. The unfortunate thing is, it kind of did.

I'm not anti-medication. I'm really not. But the problem that arises is i don't think I'm on the right medication. Before medication, my thoughts and ideas used to flow like melting ice. I'd start with nothing and in a day have a short story that was, if i can brag, amazing. I got complimented all the time. For someone with social anxiety, to be able to stand out in a way that didn't cause a panic attack, was the most amazing feeling. Now, my ideas flow like molasses. And not down a Boston street either ( look it up..it happened ).

Medication is tricky. The first medication i was on did help. It made my anxiety easy to hide from other people. And that's all it really did. Made the panic attacks ebb to a point where they weren't obvious. Where my anxiety could stay hidden, safe in my brain. But a lot of anxiety medications, as you up the dosage, create side effects. Trouble concentrating, confusion, etc. So while no one knows whats going on in my head, yay them, i also can't sit and read a book like i used to. Story ideas don't pop into my head like the used to. The one thing i excelled at has been almost shut down and all so i can "function"? I still don't have a boyfriend. I have one friend. I can't go back to school. I can't go to a bar or a movie by myself. So what have i gained? I've lost what i loved and gained next to nothing. I can't go back to no meds because i was so much worse, but hate being on them because of what it's done.

I want to believe there is a medication out there that will work for me. I do. But I've been on so many with very low results. And to try a new medication is a months long process of trying a pill and playing with dosages. And before that, finding someone with the knowledge to prescribe the right thing.

It's a guessing game. Will i ever find a medication that works? I hope so. Will i ever be happy? At this point, i just don't know. I've been on a waiting list for 3 months to see a psychiatrist at a local hospital who can hopefully help me find a medication that works. But do i believe he will? To be truthful, no. Hope is broken for me at this point. I'm looking for the right glue to fix it though. Maybe one day.