So i feel like this post is going to be just me venting but it was either this post or the post about why suicide is NOT the answer and frankly I'm not in the mood to talk about that. Granted this post isn't upbeat either but it's not "planned to jump off a roof at 8 years old" bad. So my 25th birthday is on Thursday. And i hate that. It's not an age thing either. I'm going to be 25. Pretty young i think.
However, i have to look at what I've accomplished in the past 25 years. Nothing. A 1/4 of my life, wasted on thoughts of death and despair and illnesses i don't have. In fact, thinking about it, I've come up with few ideas for postings thinking of what i HAVEN'T accomplished. I've never had a boyfriend. At 25. I've never had a kiss. At 25. I couldn't even finish college thanks to anxiety. I'm not even marginally close to where anyone wants to be in their mid twenties. And I'd love to say "I'm still young enough to go back to school and get a degree." Financially possible? Yes. Intellectually possible? Yes. Mentally possible? No.
It also brings to light something that bothers me even more. I have one friend who gives a crap it's my birthday. My last birthday party was at 16. The people who were invited were "friends" who mostly used me for my parents' money and not for who i was. On my 21st birthday, i had dinner out with my parents ( whom i love dearly) but not with friends. There was no one to get me my first drink but the people who gave birth to me, and therefore were obligated to watch me take a sip of an alcoholic drink i had no intention of actually drinking. But it's the point of the thing. I was thinking too, looking at some one's facebook page on their birthday. Pages of well wishes. I may get 4 people who notice and only because it pops up in the sidebar. I mean, it's just sad. On my actual birthday? I'm having dinner with the twins i nanny for. What's sadder? It may be the best I'm going to get for a while and I'm excited about it. Anyway, thanks for listing to my venting. Stay sane.
Hi Blake,
ReplyDeleteMy name is Javed. I recently joined the Raleigh Shyness and Social Anxiety group, and on the MeetUp website found the link to your blog.
As you may have noticed, there will be a group birthday celebration on February 19th. It will be great to celebrate our birthdays together with all the supportive people around us. I hope you can attend!
Take care.
Blake,
ReplyDeleteI'm reading your blog now. You know me from the book group and we are friends on FB. My heart is broken. I know so well some of the things you are living with. I never knew it was this bad for you. It kills me that I didn't pick up on it. I am sorry for that. I'm going to be bookmarking your page and be here for you. You are a strong woman, even though you cannot see that. Us with anxiety and OCD have to stick together. Big Hugs Sweetie! I DO love you and am going to make a point to get to know you better.