So I've been writing down a few different ideas for what to write here and first off if anyone reading this would like me to cover a certain topic, or has a question, PLEASE feel free to send it to me. Now on to the topic at hand... This is really hard for me to write, i think because it's something that i have a hard time imagining changing. So here it is, i have never had a boyfriend. I have been on a total of five first dates and no second dates. My first date EVER was when i was 22, 3 years ago. I have never been kissed, never shared an intimate hug, never felt any connection beyond "holy crap he's hot" with the opposite sex.
It sucks because i want what other people have. I want an awkward first kiss story from high school. A crazy date night story from college. Hell, an ex-boyfriend story! But i don't. I find as i get older, i notice how strange that is even more. And I'm at the age where people are getting married, having families, and granted I'm not an old maid, but I'm horribly jealous of it.
The problem, or problems, i should say, are that 1. i have social anxiety which makes dating insanely hard because i can't approach a guy or be myself around one or even meet one since i don't go out. 2. i have general anxiety so even when i do get a date which is rare, I'm convinced they are out to get me. And i mean kill me out to get me by the way. Imagine your nerves on a first date compounded by the ever present thought that they are GOING to murder or hurt you. 3. i have no self esteem. I'm convinced I'm ugly and unattractive in every other way. And i don't try to better myself in that respect because i don't feel I'm worthy of it and that it will also confirm that it's just me.
It sucks, it does. And then, added to the fact that I've never kissed a guy, half of me is afraid that the guy is passing on some deadly disease to me ( usually my mind goes to HIV ) by kissing me. It just makes the prospect of it uncomfortable.
I want a husband, i want kids, i want a family, but i don't know if i will ever get it. And I'm terrified I'm going to settle because I'm desperate for it. I mean, you watch those people on the Obsessed shows and shows about anxiety and they have husbands and kids, and frankly, i get angry. Why them? Why not me? Am i so unlovable? I honestly don't know but it bothers me every day... I may write more on this another time, but it's getting a little blury over here...damn tears. Stay sane everybody.
Hi Blake,
ReplyDeleteIf it makes you feel any better, there are lots of people out there (including myself) going through the similar emotions and experiences as you are. I ended up reading all of your blog posts. And, because I can relate to some of it, decided to post a comment here.
I've been fighting Social Anxiety since my childhood. Growing up, I had only one friend. And, then I lost him as we went our own ways after high school.
I could never socialize because of the anxiety, and therefore couldn't make friends. I was always perceived as shy, and therefore when I couldn't participate in social situations, even my family used to think that it was normal. Inside, I wanted to scream and express myself, but couldn't because of the anxiety.
No other individual will be experiencing exactly the same as you are, but there are people who're experiencing similar anxiety. So, I hope you realize that you're not alone.
I read a lot about anxiety to learn new skills to cope with it. Some of them has helped me tremendously in last couple of years. I shared some of those in yesterday's meeting. If you're interested, I can share those with you - some of them are actually pretty simple to start. But, I want to give you kudos for joining the group - it's one more step towards fighting this battle!
I hope this year brings for all of us the strength and courage in fighting our battles.
Take care.
p.s. Sorry if my comments are too long :)
Your comments are not too long at all! I love hearing people's stories and appreciate you taking the time!
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