Sleepless in my bed...

Well it's 1030 at night. I should be sleeping. Instead all I can think about is this dizzy feeling I've been having. What if it's something serious? Something life threatening? Pre cursor to a heart attack? Cancer? A tumor? Aneurysm? Tainted medication? My mind just won't relax. It sucks. Really sucks. All I want to do is sleep but my brain has other ideas.

Mobile hypocondria!

Wow. My first post written on phone through the blogger app! I feel so 2008! Ok on to the good stuff.

So I think I most likely have a brain tumor. Or cancer. Or twenty other things I can think of. Why? I have a headache.

To be fair, I'm dizzy/light headed and have a headache. And this is day two of this which amps up my anxiety by itself. Added to this is a strange burning sensation in my nose. Add these things together and logically, I'm having sinus issues. However the ocd brain of mine doesn't care about logic.

Here is what is going through my head right now and I'm not exaggerating. I'm lightheaded, it must be a tumor. It could kill me. But it's probably sinus issues. But it may be cancer or a tumor. It could kill me. Probably sinus stuff though. But it might not be.

And repeat for the next three days or so...sigh.

Also, please feel free to comment. I've made it ( there should be the option anyway) that you can post anonymously. Mwah all!

Norovirus Outbreak NOT on a Cruise Ship!?

Two posts in a day? I am on FIRE. Lol ok so here's what i alluded to before; I have a fear of throwing up. The technical term is Emetophobia. And the technical definition is "an intense, irrational fear or anxiety pertaining to vomiting. This specific phobia can also include subcategories of what causes the anxiety, including a fear of vomiting in public, a fear of seeing vomit, a fear of watching the action of vomiting or fear of being nauseated."

The only part of that that doesn't pertain to me is seeing vomit and people vomiting. Well, no more than anyone else. Yes, this a common fear. One of the most common actually, but where it gets tricky is being so anxious about throwing up that it ramps up my anxiety to a level that can, and will, induce a panic attack ( which are pretty rare for me now expect in relation to this), and also increases my hospital and death anxiety.

This is one of my first "anxiety things" that showed up. It was the reason i first went to a shrink because it was so bad as a child, that i would sleep on my parent's floor in a sleeping bag because it was closer to the toilet, and also in case something happened in relation to the "throwing up". This went on for over a year. Yes, it is much better now but anytime i feel nauseous, i freak out.

Oddly enough, once i'm throwing up, i'm ok. Well as ok as you can be throwing up. Although i am convinced i have something in my throat ( tumor or something) that i can feel when i throw up and am convinced will choke me to death. I also am afraid of getting dehydrated and either dying or ending up in the hospital. Which, in case i haven't mentioned it, are equally as terrifying.

While i'm not a germaphobe ( even though i a a hypochondriac ), and most illnesses roaming around like the flu or strep don't concern me even a little, a stomach bug going around is like adding fuel to my crazypants fire. There is an outbreak of the Norovirus going around in the city next to where i work and also where i live. My charge's mom is a doctor and she mentioned it several times so we've been avoiding public places in that city. What's even scarier is that the purell stuff, doesn't work on norovirus. Yep, doesn't work. At. All.

So, on Thursday E ( the girl i nanny for ) and I went to a play date at a lovely lady's home. By the way, if she's reading this, i'm not blaming you i swear! She posted today that yesterday, Saturday, she came down with the norovirus. There is a BIG incubation period for norovirus and not only was i in her home, but i ate food she prepared. So now, i'm nauseous ( who knows if it's in my head or not ) and completely paranoid and freaking out that i'm going to get it. What i'm even more scared of, is getting the bug while driving ( a HUGE fear of mine ). And i have a long drive to and from work. This is insanely scary for me. I almost wish if i was going to get it, i WOULD get it tonight just so it's out of my system. And because there is an outbreak here of it, i probably will be freaking out daily until the outbreak is over. So wish me luck everybody. I will be needing it...

Wow, a YEAR?

Yikes! My last post on here ( well not on HERE here ) was almost a year ago. I decided to switch the blog to a different email and change the name since every other name seemed to be taken. A lot has changed since my last post. I was fired from a job i wasn't happy in and i wish i had been blogging when it happened because it was a TOUGH two months (anxious and ocd people do NOT handle change well) . Thank God for my best friend ( for lots of reasons actually) because i have no idea where i would be right now if she hadn't helped me out ( big ridiculous hugs to her!). But i look back now and am so happy i was fired. My new job is amazing. I am thankful every day for the wonderful little girl i am privileged to watch, and her amazing parents who may be two of the best people on the planet.

I live in my own apartment, am paying my own bills ( mostly successfully ), and have a life that i could not have imagined a year ago. I'm content with things at the moment. But that does NOT mean my issues are resolved.

In some ways, living on my own has increased the OCD and anxiety. My nightly routine is checking the door lock ( sometimes going back to check it after i've been in bed a few minutes), looking in my hall closet, checking behind the shower curtain, pushing the jeans in the bottom of my closet back ( to make sure no one is hiding in there ), and checking under the bed. By the way, "fun" fact, the closet thing is because i watched a story on the BTK killer where he said he hid in closets to avoid being seen.

My nightly prayer ritual, which i may have mentioned, used to include saying the prayer out loud, covering my eyes and saying it in my head, and then turning to face the left. I can't go to sleep facing the right. I can turn that way after a few minutes but not at first. Now however, when i do the one in my head i have to make myself yawn once at the start and then again at the end while saying "amen" until i'm done yawning. That is probably one of my strangest OCD things.

There are a LOT of things going on that i hope to blog about soon including insurance issues, some more ocd stuff, social anxiety stuff, and some good things because it's hard to only speak of the bad. And hopefully in a little while i'll discuss something hypocondriacal that's going on right now. Also, please excuse any posts that discuss things i've discussed before. Sometimes things need to be resaid. Sometimes i look back and see things in a different light. And sometimes i just plain forget. Deal with it my friends. Love you all!


Oh and just because, here's my new Sphynx cat Schmutz. Enjoy!

Why I'm Dying

So I've had a hard time getting back into the blog, mostly because I'm just finding it hard to write and also that I'm not totally sure anyone is even reading it. But this has been really bugging me the past few days and i feel like i just need to write this for me. So here's my problem, and I'm being kind of open here, but, I've had a dull pain in my breast for about a year now. For someone like me, this is scary as hell. Every time i get it, i wonder what it could be. However, it always seemed tied to my period. A hormonal thing. Plus i had it checked out six months ago and i was told by the doctor it was nothing.

Problem 1: I don't trust doctors. People sue all the time for malpractice and misdiagnosis. Who says she couldn't have been wrong? Problem 2 : The past two months, it's been continuous, and not hormonally based as far as i can tell.

Here's the big issue here. I've already concluded it's breast cancer. Not only that but since it's been six months or so since i first noticed it, I'm positive it's in the later stages and i have months left. I'm not being dramatic either here. I was watching a preview for a movie and my first thought was "wow I'd like to see that but I'm not sure I'll be alive then." Or I'm making a list of upcoming books and thinking, jeez i hope I'm cognoscente enough at that point what with all the chemo to read it.

I mean my thoughts all night last night were the pros and cons of using my last months trying chemo or just dying at home. I DON'T EVEN HAVE A FUCKING DIAGNOSIS AND I'M CONVINCED I'M DYING. Do you know how scary that is? To honestly believe you're dying. I'm sitting here thinking about who will take care of my dog, and what i want people to come to my funeral in.

And this isn't an abnormal occurrence. This happens at least every week where i go through this. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I hate this feeling. I don't want this anymore. I don't want to feel death always breathing down my neck. I don't want to be scared all the time. I hate this. I want someone to just take it away and make me normal and sane but i don't think it will ever happen. I don't want to feel like I'm dying all the time. I'm sorry, i may finish this post later but i just can't write at the moment.

Take the Red Pill or the Blue Pill

I thought today I'd post on my view on anti-anxiety medications. First off let me say, i do not think someone who has had long term serious anxiety since childhood can function to a level that is on track with everyone else without medication. The route of anxiety, and ocd is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It's neurons firing wrong. While therapy is also needed, and you CAN re-train how your brain thinks, i do not believe it is possible to even get to a place where you are able to have a polite chat with your brain to say SHAPE UP without medication. Hope that made sense.

So before i move on let me say that up until my mid teens i was COMPLETELY against medication. I remember the reason i didn't want it was because i was afraid it was change how i thought. Change how my mind worked. Which is what it's meant to do if you think about it. But i didn't want to lose my creativity. I didn't want to lose my imagination. I didn't want to lose the one thing i had that made me feel special. My ability to create things in my head and put them to paper. The unfortunate thing is, it kind of did.

I'm not anti-medication. I'm really not. But the problem that arises is i don't think I'm on the right medication. Before medication, my thoughts and ideas used to flow like melting ice. I'd start with nothing and in a day have a short story that was, if i can brag, amazing. I got complimented all the time. For someone with social anxiety, to be able to stand out in a way that didn't cause a panic attack, was the most amazing feeling. Now, my ideas flow like molasses. And not down a Boston street either ( look it up..it happened ).

Medication is tricky. The first medication i was on did help. It made my anxiety easy to hide from other people. And that's all it really did. Made the panic attacks ebb to a point where they weren't obvious. Where my anxiety could stay hidden, safe in my brain. But a lot of anxiety medications, as you up the dosage, create side effects. Trouble concentrating, confusion, etc. So while no one knows whats going on in my head, yay them, i also can't sit and read a book like i used to. Story ideas don't pop into my head like the used to. The one thing i excelled at has been almost shut down and all so i can "function"? I still don't have a boyfriend. I have one friend. I can't go back to school. I can't go to a bar or a movie by myself. So what have i gained? I've lost what i loved and gained next to nothing. I can't go back to no meds because i was so much worse, but hate being on them because of what it's done.

I want to believe there is a medication out there that will work for me. I do. But I've been on so many with very low results. And to try a new medication is a months long process of trying a pill and playing with dosages. And before that, finding someone with the knowledge to prescribe the right thing.

It's a guessing game. Will i ever find a medication that works? I hope so. Will i ever be happy? At this point, i just don't know. I've been on a waiting list for 3 months to see a psychiatrist at a local hospital who can hopefully help me find a medication that works. But do i believe he will? To be truthful, no. Hope is broken for me at this point. I'm looking for the right glue to fix it though. Maybe one day.

The Plane ( and not so ) Simple Truth

So i recently made a trip by airline from North Carolina to Boston. Now for someone with social anxiety and general anxiety, airports are hell. Takeoff is hell. The flight itself is more purgatory than hell. Landing is hell. And the airport, again, is hell. So needless to say, I'm not a good flyer.

Now a lot of my anxieties about planes i think are "normal" for people who are nervous flyers. And i know a lot of people are scared of flying. For instance, on the flight up to Boston, i was seated across the aisle from a woman in her late twenties, happily flipping pages of a gossip magazine while applying makeup at regular intervals. While we taxied to the runway, she looked over and saw my hands ringing every ounce of fluid from themselves. She very nicely inquired if i was afraid of flying. I told her i was and she instantly said she was as well. She seemed OK to me. And then she said "want to know the best thing for fear of flying?" Well yes! "Valium". Of course it is.

Anyway, I'll start with what happens when i get to the airport. No, wait, I'll start when I'm about to leave FOR the airport. I don't think i have ever driven to an airport by myself because i am terrified that my car will be broken into or stolen or that i will be attacked while walking into the airport. Therefore i always get a driver or go with someone. Which is an added expense i don't need. And frankly even when i get a driver i'm conviced they are out to kill me as well.

Then there is the security checkpoint. Part of the problem is my social anxiety. The fact that so many people are looking so closely at me is very unnerving. I mean who knows what they see. I don't like feeling like I'm the center of attention. Granted, I'm sure I'm not even close to the strangest person that has passed through those radiated gates, but still. And it's also the fact that if i forgot to take off my shoes or something and get yelled at, more people will look at me and think I'm an idiot.

Then there is the fear that for some reason they will think I'm a terrorist. Yep, I'm scared of that. I honestly think that if i look nervous ( which i do ) or look around a lot ( which i do ) that i will taken down or shot. Seriously. I have a fear that the TSA agents are going to pull a sniper attack on me.

Once i get into the airport, I'm afraid of someone shooting up the place, a bomb going off, being kidnapped, being assaulted in the bathroom, and also of throwing up. Imagine every step you take towards your gate, having those thoughts run through your head on top of the fact that you are not the best flyer.

Once on the plane, i am insistent on a aisle seat. I usually pick my seat ahead of time or try to upgrade to first class so i am closer to a bathroom in case i need to throw up ( which i have never done on a plane ) and also so i don't feel like as many people are looking at me.

As for the plane itself, I'm afraid of it blowing up, being hijacked, crashing, dipping, moving, and every sound, bump, and tilt leads me to believe I'm about to die. I tend to watch the flight crew and over analyze every move they make for signs of distress. It's just not a fun experience for me. I love vacationing but i fear every time i go that i am developing my mother's fear of flying which has developed to a point where she can't even look at the inside of a plane on TV. If i can't even enjoy traveling, it's just another thing in my life I'm missing out on because of anxiety. But that fear, in my opinion, is at least the most normal.

Sorry for the lack of coherant paragraphs in this post. Insomnia has made my brain fuzzier than normal. Until next time, stay sane.