I got to thinking today about how lonely i really am. I have satalite radio and i listen to Cosmopolitan's radio shows a lot. Everytime they talk about relationships and hanging out with "the girls" it makes me so sad. I mean it's horriable to hear them say, you know we all have frenemies and we all have close girldfriends and on and on
Friday, August 15, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Frustartion part 2
So i love ancient history, mostly greek and roman. And our museum is having a great Pompeii exhibit and you know what was sad, the only people i though i could go with, were the little kids i nanny for. Having no real friends since i was a little kid, I'm used to being alone. But sometimes, like this is gets me. I wish i could call someone and say, hey wanna go to this with me? But there is very literally no one. I'm going alone which is big for me but it's a museum full of kids so I'm more comfortable. I also found out about a roman festival going on in a park near me and i can't go alone because it's too many people and too out in the open. And i want so badly to have a friend to go with. And i can't. I want a friend. Just one, is that so hard? But i can't meet anyone. I can't go into public places to meet people my age and even if i could, I'd shut down. Everyone deserves a friend don't they? I'm cute, I'm funny, I'm sweet. Why doesn't anyone like me? It sucks. My fucking best friend is a 11 pound poodle. I'm sorry this is getting a bit upsetting. Thanks for listening.
Frustartion
So i haven't written in a while mostly 'cause i forgot. But i have stuff to talk about so I'm going to do it in two posts. My first is my issues with my education. I'm not sure I've mentioned before that i left school due to my anxiety. I was so excited for my freshman year even though i knew it would be a struggle. Luckily my school had a great disability program and i was able to get on campus housing as a single because i could NOT deal with a roommate. I mean take the normal issues you have with rooming with a stranger and add in the fact that i would freak out if she didn't lock the door, or brought someone back to the room, or i'd be scared she'd tamper with my food or drinks, and i would consistently be analyzing my movements, actions, and look which is bad enough out in the world, but to feel like that in your own room is just too much.
Unfortunately, i couldn't go to my classes. Too many people in one room. I felt they were all looking at me and spent more time wondering if they were or if i looked ok than what the professor was saying. And since i fidget a LOT, i always worried that every movement would catch someone's eye. Not to mention the fact that i was pre-vet so i had labs which had small groups. I can't do small groups. And the exams were at night in buildings i didn't usually go to. So i didn't go to the labs, or the tests, then eventually the classes. I'd do the homework which was online because i liked it and i have a near genius IQ so it's not like the work was to hard, but for two years, i literally had a 0.0 gpa.
With disability's help i had my first two years basically thrown out . I left school for a semester to go to anxiety clinic near my hometown and felt i was ready to go back again and since i had my apartment and my dog, both which helped, i still couldn't function and chose to leave.
I wanted to be a vet, i really did. I love animals and i loved the career path but i couldn't do it. I wish i could say i worked my ass off while i was in school but i didn't. I couldn't even make myself go to class. And it had nothing to do with a lack of motivation as my parents believe. It was like a mental block that caused a psychical barrier. I could not cross it to go to class. And i missed it. I read the notes and took the pre-tests and did the homework but i couldn't go to class. I'm not sure my parents even know how much i studied material off the Internet to make myself feel like i was doing something. I wanted it so bad. Still do.
So now i have few options. I can go to school online for a degree. But in what? I can't become a vet online. I love children so there is that option but my love is for preschool children which makes no money and there is very little advancement opportunities. I love kids, but I'm not excited about teaching. I'm signing up for the classes, but my heart isn't there. It's no where. It's busy breaking for the life i will never lead.
And it frustrates the fuck out of me that my parents want me to be so much more and they think I'm a healthier mentally than i am. I think they're sick of having to deal with my issues whether they admit it or not. My dad pretends it doesn't exist and my mom tries but she doesn't understand a lot and i don't blame them. I wish i could do what i was meant to in life but i don't think it's in the cards for me. My life is heading no where which is sad. I very much see myself being an old, single, hell virgin prob., woman with a job she hates and a life she wishes was different. It's defeatist, but 15 years of having no self esteem or friends or successes will do that to you.
I want to be happy, but is it sad i no longer believe there is such a thing for me?
Unfortunately, i couldn't go to my classes. Too many people in one room. I felt they were all looking at me and spent more time wondering if they were or if i looked ok than what the professor was saying. And since i fidget a LOT, i always worried that every movement would catch someone's eye. Not to mention the fact that i was pre-vet so i had labs which had small groups. I can't do small groups. And the exams were at night in buildings i didn't usually go to. So i didn't go to the labs, or the tests, then eventually the classes. I'd do the homework which was online because i liked it and i have a near genius IQ so it's not like the work was to hard, but for two years, i literally had a 0.0 gpa.
With disability's help i had my first two years basically thrown out . I left school for a semester to go to anxiety clinic near my hometown and felt i was ready to go back again and since i had my apartment and my dog, both which helped, i still couldn't function and chose to leave.
I wanted to be a vet, i really did. I love animals and i loved the career path but i couldn't do it. I wish i could say i worked my ass off while i was in school but i didn't. I couldn't even make myself go to class. And it had nothing to do with a lack of motivation as my parents believe. It was like a mental block that caused a psychical barrier. I could not cross it to go to class. And i missed it. I read the notes and took the pre-tests and did the homework but i couldn't go to class. I'm not sure my parents even know how much i studied material off the Internet to make myself feel like i was doing something. I wanted it so bad. Still do.
So now i have few options. I can go to school online for a degree. But in what? I can't become a vet online. I love children so there is that option but my love is for preschool children which makes no money and there is very little advancement opportunities. I love kids, but I'm not excited about teaching. I'm signing up for the classes, but my heart isn't there. It's no where. It's busy breaking for the life i will never lead.
And it frustrates the fuck out of me that my parents want me to be so much more and they think I'm a healthier mentally than i am. I think they're sick of having to deal with my issues whether they admit it or not. My dad pretends it doesn't exist and my mom tries but she doesn't understand a lot and i don't blame them. I wish i could do what i was meant to in life but i don't think it's in the cards for me. My life is heading no where which is sad. I very much see myself being an old, single, hell virgin prob., woman with a job she hates and a life she wishes was different. It's defeatist, but 15 years of having no self esteem or friends or successes will do that to you.
I want to be happy, but is it sad i no longer believe there is such a thing for me?
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Off
Hi all. I forgot to mention i will be away for 9 days so i doubt I'll be posting but you never know. See you guys soon!
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Vacation Anxiety ( get it? )
So before i get to the main post, i want to just share that the little thing on the side of my head that i thought was a tumor now hurts. Which leads me to believe its a pimple but I'm actually terrified it's not and will more that likely go to a doctor when i get home from vacation which normally i wouldn't do but the fact that its movable and now hurts is seriously freaking me out. Now to the vacation.
I'm going on a cruise on Sunday but tomorrow we are making an eight hour drive which is seriously freaking me out. I have an irrational fear of vomiting. When i was younger i slept in my parents room because it was closer to the bathroom. I mean it was bad, and it got better, manageable when i talked to a shrink, although it could also be age. But whenever my stomach hurts i ALWAYS freak that I'm going to throw up. And it's NOT just the fear of throwing up either.
It's the fear of doing it in public. I'm terrified of throwing up in front of people, you know not making it to the bathroom in my time. It's just irrational and stupid but consumes me. i have maybe two bags of mints a month since i pop them when i get a stomach ache since peppermint calms them. And the sugar causes cavities, but moving on.
So eight hours in a car and I'm TERRIFIED of throwing up or getting sick while in the car. It's irrational and stupid but it's all that's running through my head now. Well night.
I'm going on a cruise on Sunday but tomorrow we are making an eight hour drive which is seriously freaking me out. I have an irrational fear of vomiting. When i was younger i slept in my parents room because it was closer to the bathroom. I mean it was bad, and it got better, manageable when i talked to a shrink, although it could also be age. But whenever my stomach hurts i ALWAYS freak that I'm going to throw up. And it's NOT just the fear of throwing up either.
It's the fear of doing it in public. I'm terrified of throwing up in front of people, you know not making it to the bathroom in my time. It's just irrational and stupid but consumes me. i have maybe two bags of mints a month since i pop them when i get a stomach ache since peppermint calms them. And the sugar causes cavities, but moving on.
So eight hours in a car and I'm TERRIFIED of throwing up or getting sick while in the car. It's irrational and stupid but it's all that's running through my head now. Well night.
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