Mad

I'm mad. I'm mad at the woman who posts about how much her anxiety affects her, and then posts pictures of herself out to eat with friends, going to fancy parties, and how her dates went. Because as much as I've busted my butt to go outside my comfort zone, I can't do those things. Don't get me wrong, I'm worlds better than I was. I bought season tickets to the local theater, and I go alone. I can go to Target by myself, and not feel judged. I can talk to a stranger without thinking about it. But I can't get dressed up and go to a cocktail party alone. I can't find a fun meetup to go to, because I have no hobbies, and the ones I have seem populated by people outside my target. I can't go on a million dates, because my anxiety makes it hard to find people TO date. But more than mad, I'm sad for the lost years of social interaction. Sad for missed chances, lost meetings, forgone escapes.

I'm mad at the woman on YouTube, who uses amazing makeup skills to hide her insecurities, to feel more confident in herself, and the way she is perceived. Because despite watching a dozen YouTube tutorials, and buying every product they talk about, and doing exactly as they say, I'm not magically transformed as they are. I don't ever feel confident, or good, or decent, about my appearance. I long for a time where I go to work feeling like "I look nice today!" Like my skin will magically heal. Like my looks will magically change into someone pretty. And confident. And accepted. But more than mad, I'm sad that I can't do what those women do. That I don't have those skills. The skills to accept myself as I am, and trust others to do so as well.

 I'm mad at the woman who talks about how crippling her ocd can be, and then talks about how she gets through it with the helps of her loving husband and kids. Because I don't have that. Because when other kids talked about the careers they would achieve when they grew up, I longed to be a mom. To be a wife. To have a family. Even going into college, there was never a long term career plan. The plan was to do the job until I found the husband, had the baby, and doted on my child while letting my career drift away into oblivion.  But I don't have that. I'm 30, and I have no prospect of that. But mostly, I'm sad. I'm sad that I've reached a point where I don't believe I will ever have a boyfriend, a husband, a baby. And there's not much I can do about that. And it's infuriating, and depressing, and it's life. It's my life. Because no matter how far I've come, how much I've accomplished, my anxiety and ocd define me. And that sucks.

SA Drama

The problem with anxiety disorders is that they are a cycle of highs and lows. My OCD is better, thank goodness, but it made me realize how awful the social anxiety can be. I'm almost 27. I want the husband, i want the family. I want the relationships with friends who share my wants. I want a few friends my age who value the same things as me and share my views. Not that opposing views are bad, because they aren't, but it would be nice to be able to talk about politics and religion with people who see where I'm coming from and whom i won't offend with my views.

Even as a kid, i related with adults more than kids. I was never into the whole, drinking, partying scene. I think most of that stems from the SA and just grew into my personality as i developed. I think part of is that i don't know how to socially interact with peers. I tend to talk too much, or insert myself into conversations a bit too forcefully or at awkward times. It's like I'm so desperate to be part of a conversation, my brain doesn't pick up on cues like it should.

I also think i don't know how to tell a friend from an acquaintance. Much in the same way as someone with asperger's does but i can recognize that i may be fooling myself. I had no friends growing up really, so i don't think i see them as what they should be a lot. And as part of the SA i also question whether people i count as friends really like me. Does my best friend say the same of me? Is someone i call a friend someone who considers me a friendly acquaintance. What's the difference really?

I feel like the SA has just ruined that part of me. And no one really gets it. I mean i can explain it but i think it's very hard to understand getting ready to go out and making one hundred excuses why not to. Or showing up and being frozen to the spot. Or not taking care of yourself because why bother?

I look around even at my apartment and think, should i care? Is this the reason i don't take care of my apartment like i should? To keep people away? Why i don't have a morning routine like i should because why bother? If i don't even know why i do these things, why would anyone else bother to look deeper? Is it depression?

Maybe this is just me venting off some steam tonight. I just feel like the SA has taken away so much from me. Chances at relationships, chances at friendships, chances to find myself, chances to become an adult, and how many other things will it ruin? Will i be single forever, wishing for more?

So many people say "groups of friends" to me. "Different groups of friends". What groups? I have one friend and groups of people who may or may not even count me as a friend. I know i probably need to see a therapist but they are expensive and insurance won't cover it. Not to mention the whole process of finding someone. It's the same old story of how many people do i have to go to that don't help before i give up?

Happy?

I know. I suck. It's been a while! Here's the major reason. I've been happy. This is both good and kind of alarming. For the first time since i can remember, and i mean in all of the 19 ( sheesh 19! ) years since i had that first panic attack, I'm happy. It's actually kind of scary. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Let me explain here.

So first off i want to address the Luvox. I decided to go up slower than i had been prescribed ( yes i know, not a doctor over here behind the computer ), but i know my body better than anybody and i KNEW going down on the cymbalta would suck, which it did, and going up on the luvox was best handled in increments. I ended up taking 100mg twice a day. I have had a few side effects including exhaustion in the first month and headaches. I also get really fuzzy if i skip a dose, which i do more than i should only because i have trouble remembering so early. However, after a few months, the only side effect I've retained are vivid dreams. Like the kind where you wake up and want to call your mom to yell at her for something you fought about in your head. Strange, but not too bad if you hear the pluses.

So the good part! I am not cured by any means, but i have noticed some huge changes as far as the OCD is concerned. Not so much in the SA aspect. So for the OCD stuff here is what has changed:

- Praying ritual can be messed up and i will not start over
- I don't have to check the locks and closet doors in a specific order or more than once 90% of the time.
- I find in cases of mild obsessive thoughts, i can halt them 80% of the time, where as before it was 0%
- I find myself less obsessed with chemicals touching me, but only mild ones like my "non toxic" laundry detergent


And actually, thinking about it, i do go out more. Say, to walk the dog, and don't care as much what people think. I guess that is SA improvement.

So that is part of why i am happy. I feel better mentally. I have a friend i can call on when i need her, whom i consider a sister. I have some "mom" facebook friends who make me feel accepted even though I'm not a mom or their age. They could dislike me for all i know but i feel like part of the group and i like that feeling. I have a job i adore. The little girl i watch is amazing. Her parents are dream bosses. I'm in a happy place. Is it perfect? No. I'd like to be married with a family but you know what, I'm 26, not 40. I believe it will happen. For now, I'm content. I like my life. I like my family. I like my friends. I'm not sure I'd be able to see any of those things two years ago. But today? I can. And i did.

Bye Cymbalta!

Well i went to a psychiatrist today and in keeping with the blog truthfulness i thought I'd tell you all what i am being prescribed.

So first off, for years I've been on 90 mg of Cymbalta. I was told by Idiot Psych Doc that i may be on too high a dose and he put me on 70. There is no 70mg pill so i ended up with a 30mg and two 20mg. Which is why i dropped myself down to 60mg. Easier. Anyway, as I've said before, i don't like Cymbalta. It's a fine SSRI and it keeps my anxiety "stable" however, it clouds my mind, i find myself tripping over my own words, and my mind just isn't what it was. I've wanted to be off of it for a while but i just haven't for a lot of reasons.

So today i was instructed to drop my Cymbalta to 30mg for the next two weeks and then go off completly. I'm also going to start Luvox at 50mg twice a day for two weeks and then up to 100mg twice a day.

I'd never heard of Luvox ( or it's wonderfully cheap generic form fluvoxamine ), so i did a little research. It's still an SSRI which partilly concerns me since i have tried every other SSRI and got only so-so results. This also reassures me a little because i know SSRIs at least do target some of the anxiety. What seems to make Luvox stand out is that it was developed and intended for OCD and social anxiety.

It gives me some hope that maybe it will target more of the OCD than all the others have but it's kind of hard to be optimistic at this point when so many haven't helped.

And on the anxious side, any new meds make me nervous. Side effects are a HUGE concern for me. Dizziness and such really freak me out so those are always in the back of my mind. Added to that, these pills are HUGE. Ok, not "HUGE" but for someone who has trouble taking tylenol and advil because of the size, these pills are a little freaky. I plan on starting in the morning so wish me luck all!

Toxic Relationship

So i'm pausing from my cleaning of my apartment for an important announcement : I'm terrified of chemicals.  The technical term is Chemophobia although that definition includes the part about not fully understanding science, which is NOT true in my case. Like most of my issues, it's irrational and i know it.

So here is a tiny bit of background, i've been scared of chemicals since i was a little kid. As long as i can remember. The biggest problem with this is, chemicals are in most every household cleaner there is. They are all toxic. It even says it on the bottles. Now obviously unless you are chugging windex or bathing in laundry detergent, you probably won't ever have an issue with these things. However, logic doesn't help.

Now as far as cleaning my place, i tend to use Method or Seventh Generation, because they are "non toxic". However a few weeks ago, my Method detergent spilled on my hand, and after reading the back of the bottle, it told me to wash my hands but try not to get it on me. So i washed my hands. At least twenty times in searing hot water. Convinced it was still on me and that it was seeping into my skin ( parasitic detergent i suppose ), was going to get into my bloodstream, and kill me. Or the ruminants would get in my mouth somehow from being on my hand and it would kill me. For hours i didn't touch any food and planned my dinner around that fact.

It's caused a lot of issues because i will NOT touch even a bottle of a cleaner and don't really like to touch surfaces i know have just be cleaned with a cleanser. Most people who know i have a fear don't really understand it, which i get, because most people use cleaners and chemicals every day. It's caused problems in jobs too.

I worked at a dog hotel and would only touch the cleaners if i wore gloves. My boss told me to clean the bathroom with bleach one day and i actually had a full blown panic attack. Bleach burns. It's a serious chemical. I still won't go near someone if they have any.

I could go on and on about this one but i think i'll get back to cleaning with my all natural stuff and save more posts for another day.

Sleepless in my bed...

Well it's 1030 at night. I should be sleeping. Instead all I can think about is this dizzy feeling I've been having. What if it's something serious? Something life threatening? Pre cursor to a heart attack? Cancer? A tumor? Aneurysm? Tainted medication? My mind just won't relax. It sucks. Really sucks. All I want to do is sleep but my brain has other ideas.

Mobile hypocondria!

Wow. My first post written on phone through the blogger app! I feel so 2008! Ok on to the good stuff.

So I think I most likely have a brain tumor. Or cancer. Or twenty other things I can think of. Why? I have a headache.

To be fair, I'm dizzy/light headed and have a headache. And this is day two of this which amps up my anxiety by itself. Added to this is a strange burning sensation in my nose. Add these things together and logically, I'm having sinus issues. However the ocd brain of mine doesn't care about logic.

Here is what is going through my head right now and I'm not exaggerating. I'm lightheaded, it must be a tumor. It could kill me. But it's probably sinus issues. But it may be cancer or a tumor. It could kill me. Probably sinus stuff though. But it might not be.

And repeat for the next three days or so...sigh.

Also, please feel free to comment. I've made it ( there should be the option anyway) that you can post anonymously. Mwah all!