So I've had a hard time getting back into the blog, mostly because I'm just finding it hard to write and also that I'm not totally sure anyone is even reading it. But this has been really bugging me the past few days and i feel like i just need to write this for me. So here's my problem, and I'm being kind of open here, but, I've had a dull pain in my breast for about a year now. For someone like me, this is scary as hell. Every time i get it, i wonder what it could be. However, it always seemed tied to my period. A hormonal thing. Plus i had it checked out six months ago and i was told by the doctor it was nothing.
Problem 1: I don't trust doctors. People sue all the time for malpractice and misdiagnosis. Who says she couldn't have been wrong? Problem 2 : The past two months, it's been continuous, and not hormonally based as far as i can tell.
Here's the big issue here. I've already concluded it's breast cancer. Not only that but since it's been six months or so since i first noticed it, I'm positive it's in the later stages and i have months left. I'm not being dramatic either here. I was watching a preview for a movie and my first thought was "wow I'd like to see that but I'm not sure I'll be alive then." Or I'm making a list of upcoming books and thinking, jeez i hope I'm cognoscente enough at that point what with all the chemo to read it.
I mean my thoughts all night last night were the pros and cons of using my last months trying chemo or just dying at home. I DON'T EVEN HAVE A FUCKING DIAGNOSIS AND I'M CONVINCED I'M DYING. Do you know how scary that is? To honestly believe you're dying. I'm sitting here thinking about who will take care of my dog, and what i want people to come to my funeral in.
And this isn't an abnormal occurrence. This happens at least every week where i go through this. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I hate this feeling. I don't want this anymore. I don't want to feel death always breathing down my neck. I don't want to be scared all the time. I hate this. I want someone to just take it away and make me normal and sane but i don't think it will ever happen. I don't want to feel like I'm dying all the time. I'm sorry, i may finish this post later but i just can't write at the moment.
