SA Drama

The problem with anxiety disorders is that they are a cycle of highs and lows. My OCD is better, thank goodness, but it made me realize how awful the social anxiety can be. I'm almost 27. I want the husband, i want the family. I want the relationships with friends who share my wants. I want a few friends my age who value the same things as me and share my views. Not that opposing views are bad, because they aren't, but it would be nice to be able to talk about politics and religion with people who see where I'm coming from and whom i won't offend with my views.

Even as a kid, i related with adults more than kids. I was never into the whole, drinking, partying scene. I think most of that stems from the SA and just grew into my personality as i developed. I think part of is that i don't know how to socially interact with peers. I tend to talk too much, or insert myself into conversations a bit too forcefully or at awkward times. It's like I'm so desperate to be part of a conversation, my brain doesn't pick up on cues like it should.

I also think i don't know how to tell a friend from an acquaintance. Much in the same way as someone with asperger's does but i can recognize that i may be fooling myself. I had no friends growing up really, so i don't think i see them as what they should be a lot. And as part of the SA i also question whether people i count as friends really like me. Does my best friend say the same of me? Is someone i call a friend someone who considers me a friendly acquaintance. What's the difference really?

I feel like the SA has just ruined that part of me. And no one really gets it. I mean i can explain it but i think it's very hard to understand getting ready to go out and making one hundred excuses why not to. Or showing up and being frozen to the spot. Or not taking care of yourself because why bother?

I look around even at my apartment and think, should i care? Is this the reason i don't take care of my apartment like i should? To keep people away? Why i don't have a morning routine like i should because why bother? If i don't even know why i do these things, why would anyone else bother to look deeper? Is it depression?

Maybe this is just me venting off some steam tonight. I just feel like the SA has taken away so much from me. Chances at relationships, chances at friendships, chances to find myself, chances to become an adult, and how many other things will it ruin? Will i be single forever, wishing for more?

So many people say "groups of friends" to me. "Different groups of friends". What groups? I have one friend and groups of people who may or may not even count me as a friend. I know i probably need to see a therapist but they are expensive and insurance won't cover it. Not to mention the whole process of finding someone. It's the same old story of how many people do i have to go to that don't help before i give up?

Happy?

I know. I suck. It's been a while! Here's the major reason. I've been happy. This is both good and kind of alarming. For the first time since i can remember, and i mean in all of the 19 ( sheesh 19! ) years since i had that first panic attack, I'm happy. It's actually kind of scary. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Let me explain here.

So first off i want to address the Luvox. I decided to go up slower than i had been prescribed ( yes i know, not a doctor over here behind the computer ), but i know my body better than anybody and i KNEW going down on the cymbalta would suck, which it did, and going up on the luvox was best handled in increments. I ended up taking 100mg twice a day. I have had a few side effects including exhaustion in the first month and headaches. I also get really fuzzy if i skip a dose, which i do more than i should only because i have trouble remembering so early. However, after a few months, the only side effect I've retained are vivid dreams. Like the kind where you wake up and want to call your mom to yell at her for something you fought about in your head. Strange, but not too bad if you hear the pluses.

So the good part! I am not cured by any means, but i have noticed some huge changes as far as the OCD is concerned. Not so much in the SA aspect. So for the OCD stuff here is what has changed:

- Praying ritual can be messed up and i will not start over
- I don't have to check the locks and closet doors in a specific order or more than once 90% of the time.
- I find in cases of mild obsessive thoughts, i can halt them 80% of the time, where as before it was 0%
- I find myself less obsessed with chemicals touching me, but only mild ones like my "non toxic" laundry detergent


And actually, thinking about it, i do go out more. Say, to walk the dog, and don't care as much what people think. I guess that is SA improvement.

So that is part of why i am happy. I feel better mentally. I have a friend i can call on when i need her, whom i consider a sister. I have some "mom" facebook friends who make me feel accepted even though I'm not a mom or their age. They could dislike me for all i know but i feel like part of the group and i like that feeling. I have a job i adore. The little girl i watch is amazing. Her parents are dream bosses. I'm in a happy place. Is it perfect? No. I'd like to be married with a family but you know what, I'm 26, not 40. I believe it will happen. For now, I'm content. I like my life. I like my family. I like my friends. I'm not sure I'd be able to see any of those things two years ago. But today? I can. And i did.

Bye Cymbalta!

Well i went to a psychiatrist today and in keeping with the blog truthfulness i thought I'd tell you all what i am being prescribed.

So first off, for years I've been on 90 mg of Cymbalta. I was told by Idiot Psych Doc that i may be on too high a dose and he put me on 70. There is no 70mg pill so i ended up with a 30mg and two 20mg. Which is why i dropped myself down to 60mg. Easier. Anyway, as I've said before, i don't like Cymbalta. It's a fine SSRI and it keeps my anxiety "stable" however, it clouds my mind, i find myself tripping over my own words, and my mind just isn't what it was. I've wanted to be off of it for a while but i just haven't for a lot of reasons.

So today i was instructed to drop my Cymbalta to 30mg for the next two weeks and then go off completly. I'm also going to start Luvox at 50mg twice a day for two weeks and then up to 100mg twice a day.

I'd never heard of Luvox ( or it's wonderfully cheap generic form fluvoxamine ), so i did a little research. It's still an SSRI which partilly concerns me since i have tried every other SSRI and got only so-so results. This also reassures me a little because i know SSRIs at least do target some of the anxiety. What seems to make Luvox stand out is that it was developed and intended for OCD and social anxiety.

It gives me some hope that maybe it will target more of the OCD than all the others have but it's kind of hard to be optimistic at this point when so many haven't helped.

And on the anxious side, any new meds make me nervous. Side effects are a HUGE concern for me. Dizziness and such really freak me out so those are always in the back of my mind. Added to that, these pills are HUGE. Ok, not "HUGE" but for someone who has trouble taking tylenol and advil because of the size, these pills are a little freaky. I plan on starting in the morning so wish me luck all!

Toxic Relationship

So i'm pausing from my cleaning of my apartment for an important announcement : I'm terrified of chemicals.  The technical term is Chemophobia although that definition includes the part about not fully understanding science, which is NOT true in my case. Like most of my issues, it's irrational and i know it.

So here is a tiny bit of background, i've been scared of chemicals since i was a little kid. As long as i can remember. The biggest problem with this is, chemicals are in most every household cleaner there is. They are all toxic. It even says it on the bottles. Now obviously unless you are chugging windex or bathing in laundry detergent, you probably won't ever have an issue with these things. However, logic doesn't help.

Now as far as cleaning my place, i tend to use Method or Seventh Generation, because they are "non toxic". However a few weeks ago, my Method detergent spilled on my hand, and after reading the back of the bottle, it told me to wash my hands but try not to get it on me. So i washed my hands. At least twenty times in searing hot water. Convinced it was still on me and that it was seeping into my skin ( parasitic detergent i suppose ), was going to get into my bloodstream, and kill me. Or the ruminants would get in my mouth somehow from being on my hand and it would kill me. For hours i didn't touch any food and planned my dinner around that fact.

It's caused a lot of issues because i will NOT touch even a bottle of a cleaner and don't really like to touch surfaces i know have just be cleaned with a cleanser. Most people who know i have a fear don't really understand it, which i get, because most people use cleaners and chemicals every day. It's caused problems in jobs too.

I worked at a dog hotel and would only touch the cleaners if i wore gloves. My boss told me to clean the bathroom with bleach one day and i actually had a full blown panic attack. Bleach burns. It's a serious chemical. I still won't go near someone if they have any.

I could go on and on about this one but i think i'll get back to cleaning with my all natural stuff and save more posts for another day.

Sleepless in my bed...

Well it's 1030 at night. I should be sleeping. Instead all I can think about is this dizzy feeling I've been having. What if it's something serious? Something life threatening? Pre cursor to a heart attack? Cancer? A tumor? Aneurysm? Tainted medication? My mind just won't relax. It sucks. Really sucks. All I want to do is sleep but my brain has other ideas.

Mobile hypocondria!

Wow. My first post written on phone through the blogger app! I feel so 2008! Ok on to the good stuff.

So I think I most likely have a brain tumor. Or cancer. Or twenty other things I can think of. Why? I have a headache.

To be fair, I'm dizzy/light headed and have a headache. And this is day two of this which amps up my anxiety by itself. Added to this is a strange burning sensation in my nose. Add these things together and logically, I'm having sinus issues. However the ocd brain of mine doesn't care about logic.

Here is what is going through my head right now and I'm not exaggerating. I'm lightheaded, it must be a tumor. It could kill me. But it's probably sinus issues. But it may be cancer or a tumor. It could kill me. Probably sinus stuff though. But it might not be.

And repeat for the next three days or so...sigh.

Also, please feel free to comment. I've made it ( there should be the option anyway) that you can post anonymously. Mwah all!

Norovirus Outbreak NOT on a Cruise Ship!?

Two posts in a day? I am on FIRE. Lol ok so here's what i alluded to before; I have a fear of throwing up. The technical term is Emetophobia. And the technical definition is "an intense, irrational fear or anxiety pertaining to vomiting. This specific phobia can also include subcategories of what causes the anxiety, including a fear of vomiting in public, a fear of seeing vomit, a fear of watching the action of vomiting or fear of being nauseated."

The only part of that that doesn't pertain to me is seeing vomit and people vomiting. Well, no more than anyone else. Yes, this a common fear. One of the most common actually, but where it gets tricky is being so anxious about throwing up that it ramps up my anxiety to a level that can, and will, induce a panic attack ( which are pretty rare for me now expect in relation to this), and also increases my hospital and death anxiety.

This is one of my first "anxiety things" that showed up. It was the reason i first went to a shrink because it was so bad as a child, that i would sleep on my parent's floor in a sleeping bag because it was closer to the toilet, and also in case something happened in relation to the "throwing up". This went on for over a year. Yes, it is much better now but anytime i feel nauseous, i freak out.

Oddly enough, once i'm throwing up, i'm ok. Well as ok as you can be throwing up. Although i am convinced i have something in my throat ( tumor or something) that i can feel when i throw up and am convinced will choke me to death. I also am afraid of getting dehydrated and either dying or ending up in the hospital. Which, in case i haven't mentioned it, are equally as terrifying.

While i'm not a germaphobe ( even though i a a hypochondriac ), and most illnesses roaming around like the flu or strep don't concern me even a little, a stomach bug going around is like adding fuel to my crazypants fire. There is an outbreak of the Norovirus going around in the city next to where i work and also where i live. My charge's mom is a doctor and she mentioned it several times so we've been avoiding public places in that city. What's even scarier is that the purell stuff, doesn't work on norovirus. Yep, doesn't work. At. All.

So, on Thursday E ( the girl i nanny for ) and I went to a play date at a lovely lady's home. By the way, if she's reading this, i'm not blaming you i swear! She posted today that yesterday, Saturday, she came down with the norovirus. There is a BIG incubation period for norovirus and not only was i in her home, but i ate food she prepared. So now, i'm nauseous ( who knows if it's in my head or not ) and completely paranoid and freaking out that i'm going to get it. What i'm even more scared of, is getting the bug while driving ( a HUGE fear of mine ). And i have a long drive to and from work. This is insanely scary for me. I almost wish if i was going to get it, i WOULD get it tonight just so it's out of my system. And because there is an outbreak here of it, i probably will be freaking out daily until the outbreak is over. So wish me luck everybody. I will be needing it...

Wow, a YEAR?

Yikes! My last post on here ( well not on HERE here ) was almost a year ago. I decided to switch the blog to a different email and change the name since every other name seemed to be taken. A lot has changed since my last post. I was fired from a job i wasn't happy in and i wish i had been blogging when it happened because it was a TOUGH two months (anxious and ocd people do NOT handle change well) . Thank God for my best friend ( for lots of reasons actually) because i have no idea where i would be right now if she hadn't helped me out ( big ridiculous hugs to her!). But i look back now and am so happy i was fired. My new job is amazing. I am thankful every day for the wonderful little girl i am privileged to watch, and her amazing parents who may be two of the best people on the planet.

I live in my own apartment, am paying my own bills ( mostly successfully ), and have a life that i could not have imagined a year ago. I'm content with things at the moment. But that does NOT mean my issues are resolved.

In some ways, living on my own has increased the OCD and anxiety. My nightly routine is checking the door lock ( sometimes going back to check it after i've been in bed a few minutes), looking in my hall closet, checking behind the shower curtain, pushing the jeans in the bottom of my closet back ( to make sure no one is hiding in there ), and checking under the bed. By the way, "fun" fact, the closet thing is because i watched a story on the BTK killer where he said he hid in closets to avoid being seen.

My nightly prayer ritual, which i may have mentioned, used to include saying the prayer out loud, covering my eyes and saying it in my head, and then turning to face the left. I can't go to sleep facing the right. I can turn that way after a few minutes but not at first. Now however, when i do the one in my head i have to make myself yawn once at the start and then again at the end while saying "amen" until i'm done yawning. That is probably one of my strangest OCD things.

There are a LOT of things going on that i hope to blog about soon including insurance issues, some more ocd stuff, social anxiety stuff, and some good things because it's hard to only speak of the bad. And hopefully in a little while i'll discuss something hypocondriacal that's going on right now. Also, please excuse any posts that discuss things i've discussed before. Sometimes things need to be resaid. Sometimes i look back and see things in a different light. And sometimes i just plain forget. Deal with it my friends. Love you all!


Oh and just because, here's my new Sphynx cat Schmutz. Enjoy!