OCD on TV

So i wanted to do something a little lighter today ( relative to the other posts ) so i wanted to touch on how the media has impacted how the general public looks at OCD, and anxiety disorders. I think it first started with the show Obsessed that came on a few years back. It mostly covered people who had more "classic" OCD cases such as people who had to always be clean, or people who had to tap, but it did showcase a few less known symptoms.

Recently a lot of specials have come on air that discuss phobias and obsessions and anxieties. I recall one on a few weeks ago that discussed someone with Emetophobia which is a fear of vomiting. I actually do have that. I am constantly afraid that i will throw up at the slightest hint of a stomach ache and a lot of my panic attacks at night or driving do involve that fear.

When i was younger, maybe 10 or so, i spent a year sleeping on my parents' floor because it was close to their bathroom and i was terrified of vomiting. It was the first time i ever went to a psychologist as well because it was becoming impossible for me to sleep at night due to this fear.

Well back on track here, TV shows. The plus side to these shows is exposure. People get to see inside lives of people with these disorders and how much it impacts their daily, even hourly, lives and what they have to overcome to simply be "normal". At first watching these i was so happy that FINALLY someone was showing what we put up with. And also, that i wasn't alone. And then they brought in the psychiatrists.

In twelve weeks, they were cured. Seriously? Twelve weeks. Three months. For serious anxiety and obsessive compulsive conditions. They did exposure therapy and OH! All better. I was pissed. First off, I've been dealing with anxiety for 18 years and I'm not better. Not even close.

Second, they didn't even give them medications! Anxiety is a chemical imbalance. No way can those people be that much better without it. It's next to impossible.

And third, do you know how much it would cost for those people to come to your house to do those exposures? Money most of us don't have. I'm talking a couple grand for a consultation and 300 or so for an appointment of 50 minutes.

So the real issue is, do people watching these shows believe people with OCD or anxiety disorders just need twelve weeks of therapy to get better? To live normally? Is that the impression this is sending? Because it's a BATTLE to be "normal". And twelve weeks? Not nearly enough time.

Happy Birthday?

So i feel like this post is going to be just me venting but it was either this post or the post about why suicide is NOT the answer and frankly I'm not in the mood to talk about that. Granted this post isn't upbeat either but it's not "planned to jump off a roof at 8 years old" bad. So my 25th birthday is on Thursday. And i hate that. It's not an age thing either. I'm going to be 25. Pretty young i think.

However, i have to look at what I've accomplished in the past 25 years. Nothing. A 1/4 of my life, wasted on thoughts of death and despair and illnesses i don't have. In fact, thinking about it, I've come up with few ideas for postings thinking of what i HAVEN'T accomplished. I've never had a boyfriend. At 25. I've never had a kiss. At 25. I couldn't even finish college thanks to anxiety. I'm not even marginally close to where anyone wants to be in their mid twenties. And I'd love to say "I'm still young enough to go back to school and get a degree." Financially possible? Yes. Intellectually possible? Yes. Mentally possible? No.

It also brings to light something that bothers me even more. I have one friend who gives a crap it's my birthday. My last birthday party was at 16. The people who were invited were "friends" who mostly used me for my parents' money and not for who i was. On my 21st birthday, i had dinner out with my parents ( whom i love dearly) but not with friends. There was no one to get me my first drink but the people who gave birth to me, and therefore were obligated to watch me take a sip of an alcoholic drink i had no intention of actually drinking. But it's the point of the thing. I was thinking too, looking at some one's facebook page on their birthday. Pages of well wishes. I may get 4 people who notice and only because it pops up in the sidebar. I mean, it's just sad. On my actual birthday? I'm having dinner with the twins i nanny for. What's sadder? It may be the best I'm going to get for a while and I'm excited about it. Anyway, thanks for listing to my venting. Stay sane.

Relationship, Relationship, Who's Got a Relationship?

So I've been writing down a few different ideas for what to write here and first off if anyone reading this would like me to cover a certain topic, or has a question, PLEASE feel free to send it to me. Now on to the topic at hand... This is really hard for me to write, i think because it's something that i have a hard time imagining changing. So here it is, i have never had a boyfriend. I have been on a total of five first dates and no second dates. My first date EVER was when i was 22, 3 years ago. I have never been kissed, never shared an intimate hug, never felt any connection beyond "holy crap he's hot" with the opposite sex.

It sucks because i want what other people have. I want an awkward first kiss story from high school. A crazy date night story from college. Hell, an ex-boyfriend story! But i don't. I find as i get older, i notice how strange that is even more. And I'm at the age where people are getting married, having families, and granted I'm not an old maid, but I'm horribly jealous of it.

The problem, or problems, i should say, are that 1. i have social anxiety which makes dating insanely hard because i can't approach a guy or be myself around one or even meet one since i don't go out. 2. i have general anxiety so even when i do get a date which is rare, I'm convinced they are out to get me. And i mean kill me out to get me by the way. Imagine your nerves on a first date compounded by the ever present thought that they are GOING to murder or hurt you. 3. i have no self esteem. I'm convinced I'm ugly and unattractive in every other way. And i don't try to better myself in that respect because i don't feel I'm worthy of it and that it will also confirm that it's just me.

It sucks, it does. And then, added to the fact that I've never kissed a guy, half of me is afraid that the guy is passing on some deadly disease to me ( usually my mind goes to HIV ) by kissing me. It just makes the prospect of it uncomfortable.

I want a husband, i want kids, i want a family, but i don't know if i will ever get it. And I'm terrified I'm going to settle because I'm desperate for it. I mean, you watch those people on the Obsessed shows and shows about anxiety and they have husbands and kids, and frankly, i get angry. Why them? Why not me? Am i so unlovable? I honestly don't know but it bothers me every day... I may write more on this another time, but it's getting a little blury over here...damn tears. Stay sane everybody.

OCD Stigma

So i realize i haven't had any posts in oh, two years, which is insane. A lot had happened since then but to sum everything up when I'm not all that certain anyone will ever read this is a bit of a waste of time. Mine mostly. But basically i am hoping to get at least two posts a week on here chronicling my battles with anxiety disorders and, for the first time that i am admitting, my OCD.

For some reason, i think there is a strange stigma attached to the words "OCD" or obsessive compulsive disorder. Even more so than anxiety disorders. It seems people look at social anxiety and say "she's just really shy". Or General anxiety disorder and hypochondria and not understand that at all. But OCD? Everyone thinks they understand that. I mean, the world is full of people who have studied psychiatric disorders for years. Or watched Obsessed on tv for a season and a half. Same thing but with commercials.

I imagine if you asked someone what OCD was, they would describe someone who has to touch things all the time, or wash their hands 100 times an hour. And while those ARE actual problems associated with OCD, that is NOT all it is. I'm not even going to begin to get into what types of OCD there are but i will tell you mine is nothing like that. I can shove my hands in cow dung if i really wanted to and i have never tapped things. I do however have compulsive thoughts.

For instance, instead of having to kick a lamppost every time i see one, i HAVE to think these anxious thoughts. I actually get more anxious when the anxiety isn't present. I think it's my brain's defensive mechanism. It doesn't know how to function without the ever present anxiety and the OCD keeps it from having to. Granted i do have a few actual compulsions. I knock on wood if i say something i think may happen. I HAVE to pray a certain way at night or i feel the things i don't say will happen. I also crack my jaw repeatedly for a reason i can't even say.

Well that was long winded but hopefully it cleared some things up and eased me into my blog before i start hitting on heavy stuff. Like bricks. Or Bullies. We shall see what the rest of the week brings.