Toxic Relationship

So i'm pausing from my cleaning of my apartment for an important announcement : I'm terrified of chemicals.  The technical term is Chemophobia although that definition includes the part about not fully understanding science, which is NOT true in my case. Like most of my issues, it's irrational and i know it.

So here is a tiny bit of background, i've been scared of chemicals since i was a little kid. As long as i can remember. The biggest problem with this is, chemicals are in most every household cleaner there is. They are all toxic. It even says it on the bottles. Now obviously unless you are chugging windex or bathing in laundry detergent, you probably won't ever have an issue with these things. However, logic doesn't help.

Now as far as cleaning my place, i tend to use Method or Seventh Generation, because they are "non toxic". However a few weeks ago, my Method detergent spilled on my hand, and after reading the back of the bottle, it told me to wash my hands but try not to get it on me. So i washed my hands. At least twenty times in searing hot water. Convinced it was still on me and that it was seeping into my skin ( parasitic detergent i suppose ), was going to get into my bloodstream, and kill me. Or the ruminants would get in my mouth somehow from being on my hand and it would kill me. For hours i didn't touch any food and planned my dinner around that fact.

It's caused a lot of issues because i will NOT touch even a bottle of a cleaner and don't really like to touch surfaces i know have just be cleaned with a cleanser. Most people who know i have a fear don't really understand it, which i get, because most people use cleaners and chemicals every day. It's caused problems in jobs too.

I worked at a dog hotel and would only touch the cleaners if i wore gloves. My boss told me to clean the bathroom with bleach one day and i actually had a full blown panic attack. Bleach burns. It's a serious chemical. I still won't go near someone if they have any.

I could go on and on about this one but i think i'll get back to cleaning with my all natural stuff and save more posts for another day.

Sleepless in my bed...

Well it's 1030 at night. I should be sleeping. Instead all I can think about is this dizzy feeling I've been having. What if it's something serious? Something life threatening? Pre cursor to a heart attack? Cancer? A tumor? Aneurysm? Tainted medication? My mind just won't relax. It sucks. Really sucks. All I want to do is sleep but my brain has other ideas.

Mobile hypocondria!

Wow. My first post written on phone through the blogger app! I feel so 2008! Ok on to the good stuff.

So I think I most likely have a brain tumor. Or cancer. Or twenty other things I can think of. Why? I have a headache.

To be fair, I'm dizzy/light headed and have a headache. And this is day two of this which amps up my anxiety by itself. Added to this is a strange burning sensation in my nose. Add these things together and logically, I'm having sinus issues. However the ocd brain of mine doesn't care about logic.

Here is what is going through my head right now and I'm not exaggerating. I'm lightheaded, it must be a tumor. It could kill me. But it's probably sinus issues. But it may be cancer or a tumor. It could kill me. Probably sinus stuff though. But it might not be.

And repeat for the next three days or so...sigh.

Also, please feel free to comment. I've made it ( there should be the option anyway) that you can post anonymously. Mwah all!

Norovirus Outbreak NOT on a Cruise Ship!?

Two posts in a day? I am on FIRE. Lol ok so here's what i alluded to before; I have a fear of throwing up. The technical term is Emetophobia. And the technical definition is "an intense, irrational fear or anxiety pertaining to vomiting. This specific phobia can also include subcategories of what causes the anxiety, including a fear of vomiting in public, a fear of seeing vomit, a fear of watching the action of vomiting or fear of being nauseated."

The only part of that that doesn't pertain to me is seeing vomit and people vomiting. Well, no more than anyone else. Yes, this a common fear. One of the most common actually, but where it gets tricky is being so anxious about throwing up that it ramps up my anxiety to a level that can, and will, induce a panic attack ( which are pretty rare for me now expect in relation to this), and also increases my hospital and death anxiety.

This is one of my first "anxiety things" that showed up. It was the reason i first went to a shrink because it was so bad as a child, that i would sleep on my parent's floor in a sleeping bag because it was closer to the toilet, and also in case something happened in relation to the "throwing up". This went on for over a year. Yes, it is much better now but anytime i feel nauseous, i freak out.

Oddly enough, once i'm throwing up, i'm ok. Well as ok as you can be throwing up. Although i am convinced i have something in my throat ( tumor or something) that i can feel when i throw up and am convinced will choke me to death. I also am afraid of getting dehydrated and either dying or ending up in the hospital. Which, in case i haven't mentioned it, are equally as terrifying.

While i'm not a germaphobe ( even though i a a hypochondriac ), and most illnesses roaming around like the flu or strep don't concern me even a little, a stomach bug going around is like adding fuel to my crazypants fire. There is an outbreak of the Norovirus going around in the city next to where i work and also where i live. My charge's mom is a doctor and she mentioned it several times so we've been avoiding public places in that city. What's even scarier is that the purell stuff, doesn't work on norovirus. Yep, doesn't work. At. All.

So, on Thursday E ( the girl i nanny for ) and I went to a play date at a lovely lady's home. By the way, if she's reading this, i'm not blaming you i swear! She posted today that yesterday, Saturday, she came down with the norovirus. There is a BIG incubation period for norovirus and not only was i in her home, but i ate food she prepared. So now, i'm nauseous ( who knows if it's in my head or not ) and completely paranoid and freaking out that i'm going to get it. What i'm even more scared of, is getting the bug while driving ( a HUGE fear of mine ). And i have a long drive to and from work. This is insanely scary for me. I almost wish if i was going to get it, i WOULD get it tonight just so it's out of my system. And because there is an outbreak here of it, i probably will be freaking out daily until the outbreak is over. So wish me luck everybody. I will be needing it...

Wow, a YEAR?

Yikes! My last post on here ( well not on HERE here ) was almost a year ago. I decided to switch the blog to a different email and change the name since every other name seemed to be taken. A lot has changed since my last post. I was fired from a job i wasn't happy in and i wish i had been blogging when it happened because it was a TOUGH two months (anxious and ocd people do NOT handle change well) . Thank God for my best friend ( for lots of reasons actually) because i have no idea where i would be right now if she hadn't helped me out ( big ridiculous hugs to her!). But i look back now and am so happy i was fired. My new job is amazing. I am thankful every day for the wonderful little girl i am privileged to watch, and her amazing parents who may be two of the best people on the planet.

I live in my own apartment, am paying my own bills ( mostly successfully ), and have a life that i could not have imagined a year ago. I'm content with things at the moment. But that does NOT mean my issues are resolved.

In some ways, living on my own has increased the OCD and anxiety. My nightly routine is checking the door lock ( sometimes going back to check it after i've been in bed a few minutes), looking in my hall closet, checking behind the shower curtain, pushing the jeans in the bottom of my closet back ( to make sure no one is hiding in there ), and checking under the bed. By the way, "fun" fact, the closet thing is because i watched a story on the BTK killer where he said he hid in closets to avoid being seen.

My nightly prayer ritual, which i may have mentioned, used to include saying the prayer out loud, covering my eyes and saying it in my head, and then turning to face the left. I can't go to sleep facing the right. I can turn that way after a few minutes but not at first. Now however, when i do the one in my head i have to make myself yawn once at the start and then again at the end while saying "amen" until i'm done yawning. That is probably one of my strangest OCD things.

There are a LOT of things going on that i hope to blog about soon including insurance issues, some more ocd stuff, social anxiety stuff, and some good things because it's hard to only speak of the bad. And hopefully in a little while i'll discuss something hypocondriacal that's going on right now. Also, please excuse any posts that discuss things i've discussed before. Sometimes things need to be resaid. Sometimes i look back and see things in a different light. And sometimes i just plain forget. Deal with it my friends. Love you all!


Oh and just because, here's my new Sphynx cat Schmutz. Enjoy!