I know. I suck. It's been a while! Here's the major reason. I've been happy. This is both good and kind of alarming. For the first time since i can remember, and i mean in all of the 19 ( sheesh 19! ) years since i had that first panic attack, I'm happy. It's actually kind of scary. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Let me explain here.
So first off i want to address the Luvox. I decided to go up slower than i had been prescribed ( yes i know, not a doctor over here behind the computer ), but i know my body better than anybody and i KNEW going down on the cymbalta would suck, which it did, and going up on the luvox was best handled in increments. I ended up taking 100mg twice a day. I have had a few side effects including exhaustion in the first month and headaches. I also get really fuzzy if i skip a dose, which i do more than i should only because i have trouble remembering so early. However, after a few months, the only side effect I've retained are vivid dreams. Like the kind where you wake up and want to call your mom to yell at her for something you fought about in your head. Strange, but not too bad if you hear the pluses.
So the good part! I am not cured by any means, but i have noticed some huge changes as far as the OCD is concerned. Not so much in the SA aspect. So for the OCD stuff here is what has changed:
- Praying ritual can be messed up and i will not start over
- I don't have to check the locks and closet doors in a specific order or more than once 90% of the time.
- I find in cases of mild obsessive thoughts, i can halt them 80% of the time, where as before it was 0%
- I find myself less obsessed with chemicals touching me, but only mild ones like my "non toxic" laundry detergent
And actually, thinking about it, i do go out more. Say, to walk the dog, and don't care as much what people think. I guess that is SA improvement.
So that is part of why i am happy. I feel better mentally. I have a friend i can call on when i need her, whom i consider a sister. I have some "mom" facebook friends who make me feel accepted even though I'm not a mom or their age. They could dislike me for all i know but i feel like part of the group and i like that feeling. I have a job i adore. The little girl i watch is amazing. Her parents are dream bosses. I'm in a happy place. Is it perfect? No. I'd like to be married with a family but you know what, I'm 26, not 40. I believe it will happen. For now, I'm content. I like my life. I like my family. I like my friends. I'm not sure I'd be able to see any of those things two years ago. But today? I can. And i did.
