So I've had a hard time getting back into the blog, mostly because I'm just finding it hard to write and also that I'm not totally sure anyone is even reading it. But this has been really bugging me the past few days and i feel like i just need to write this for me. So here's my problem, and I'm being kind of open here, but, I've had a dull pain in my breast for about a year now. For someone like me, this is scary as hell. Every time i get it, i wonder what it could be. However, it always seemed tied to my period. A hormonal thing. Plus i had it checked out six months ago and i was told by the doctor it was nothing.
Problem 1: I don't trust doctors. People sue all the time for malpractice and misdiagnosis. Who says she couldn't have been wrong? Problem 2 : The past two months, it's been continuous, and not hormonally based as far as i can tell.
Here's the big issue here. I've already concluded it's breast cancer. Not only that but since it's been six months or so since i first noticed it, I'm positive it's in the later stages and i have months left. I'm not being dramatic either here. I was watching a preview for a movie and my first thought was "wow I'd like to see that but I'm not sure I'll be alive then." Or I'm making a list of upcoming books and thinking, jeez i hope I'm cognoscente enough at that point what with all the chemo to read it.
I mean my thoughts all night last night were the pros and cons of using my last months trying chemo or just dying at home. I DON'T EVEN HAVE A FUCKING DIAGNOSIS AND I'M CONVINCED I'M DYING. Do you know how scary that is? To honestly believe you're dying. I'm sitting here thinking about who will take care of my dog, and what i want people to come to my funeral in.
And this isn't an abnormal occurrence. This happens at least every week where i go through this. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I hate this feeling. I don't want this anymore. I don't want to feel death always breathing down my neck. I don't want to be scared all the time. I hate this. I want someone to just take it away and make me normal and sane but i don't think it will ever happen. I don't want to feel like I'm dying all the time. I'm sorry, i may finish this post later but i just can't write at the moment.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Take the Red Pill or the Blue Pill
I thought today I'd post on my view on anti-anxiety medications. First off let me say, i do not think someone who has had long term serious anxiety since childhood can function to a level that is on track with everyone else without medication. The route of anxiety, and ocd is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It's neurons firing wrong. While therapy is also needed, and you CAN re-train how your brain thinks, i do not believe it is possible to even get to a place where you are able to have a polite chat with your brain to say SHAPE UP without medication. Hope that made sense.
So before i move on let me say that up until my mid teens i was COMPLETELY against medication. I remember the reason i didn't want it was because i was afraid it was change how i thought. Change how my mind worked. Which is what it's meant to do if you think about it. But i didn't want to lose my creativity. I didn't want to lose my imagination. I didn't want to lose the one thing i had that made me feel special. My ability to create things in my head and put them to paper. The unfortunate thing is, it kind of did.
I'm not anti-medication. I'm really not. But the problem that arises is i don't think I'm on the right medication. Before medication, my thoughts and ideas used to flow like melting ice. I'd start with nothing and in a day have a short story that was, if i can brag, amazing. I got complimented all the time. For someone with social anxiety, to be able to stand out in a way that didn't cause a panic attack, was the most amazing feeling. Now, my ideas flow like molasses. And not down a Boston street either ( look it up..it happened ).
Medication is tricky. The first medication i was on did help. It made my anxiety easy to hide from other people. And that's all it really did. Made the panic attacks ebb to a point where they weren't obvious. Where my anxiety could stay hidden, safe in my brain. But a lot of anxiety medications, as you up the dosage, create side effects. Trouble concentrating, confusion, etc. So while no one knows whats going on in my head, yay them, i also can't sit and read a book like i used to. Story ideas don't pop into my head like the used to. The one thing i excelled at has been almost shut down and all so i can "function"? I still don't have a boyfriend. I have one friend. I can't go back to school. I can't go to a bar or a movie by myself. So what have i gained? I've lost what i loved and gained next to nothing. I can't go back to no meds because i was so much worse, but hate being on them because of what it's done.
I want to believe there is a medication out there that will work for me. I do. But I've been on so many with very low results. And to try a new medication is a months long process of trying a pill and playing with dosages. And before that, finding someone with the knowledge to prescribe the right thing.
It's a guessing game. Will i ever find a medication that works? I hope so. Will i ever be happy? At this point, i just don't know. I've been on a waiting list for 3 months to see a psychiatrist at a local hospital who can hopefully help me find a medication that works. But do i believe he will? To be truthful, no. Hope is broken for me at this point. I'm looking for the right glue to fix it though. Maybe one day.
So before i move on let me say that up until my mid teens i was COMPLETELY against medication. I remember the reason i didn't want it was because i was afraid it was change how i thought. Change how my mind worked. Which is what it's meant to do if you think about it. But i didn't want to lose my creativity. I didn't want to lose my imagination. I didn't want to lose the one thing i had that made me feel special. My ability to create things in my head and put them to paper. The unfortunate thing is, it kind of did.
I'm not anti-medication. I'm really not. But the problem that arises is i don't think I'm on the right medication. Before medication, my thoughts and ideas used to flow like melting ice. I'd start with nothing and in a day have a short story that was, if i can brag, amazing. I got complimented all the time. For someone with social anxiety, to be able to stand out in a way that didn't cause a panic attack, was the most amazing feeling. Now, my ideas flow like molasses. And not down a Boston street either ( look it up..it happened ).
Medication is tricky. The first medication i was on did help. It made my anxiety easy to hide from other people. And that's all it really did. Made the panic attacks ebb to a point where they weren't obvious. Where my anxiety could stay hidden, safe in my brain. But a lot of anxiety medications, as you up the dosage, create side effects. Trouble concentrating, confusion, etc. So while no one knows whats going on in my head, yay them, i also can't sit and read a book like i used to. Story ideas don't pop into my head like the used to. The one thing i excelled at has been almost shut down and all so i can "function"? I still don't have a boyfriend. I have one friend. I can't go back to school. I can't go to a bar or a movie by myself. So what have i gained? I've lost what i loved and gained next to nothing. I can't go back to no meds because i was so much worse, but hate being on them because of what it's done.
I want to believe there is a medication out there that will work for me. I do. But I've been on so many with very low results. And to try a new medication is a months long process of trying a pill and playing with dosages. And before that, finding someone with the knowledge to prescribe the right thing.
It's a guessing game. Will i ever find a medication that works? I hope so. Will i ever be happy? At this point, i just don't know. I've been on a waiting list for 3 months to see a psychiatrist at a local hospital who can hopefully help me find a medication that works. But do i believe he will? To be truthful, no. Hope is broken for me at this point. I'm looking for the right glue to fix it though. Maybe one day.
Monday, January 17, 2011
The Plane ( and not so ) Simple Truth
So i recently made a trip by airline from North Carolina to Boston. Now for someone with social anxiety and general anxiety, airports are hell. Takeoff is hell. The flight itself is more purgatory than hell. Landing is hell. And the airport, again, is hell. So needless to say, I'm not a good flyer.
Now a lot of my anxieties about planes i think are "normal" for people who are nervous flyers. And i know a lot of people are scared of flying. For instance, on the flight up to Boston, i was seated across the aisle from a woman in her late twenties, happily flipping pages of a gossip magazine while applying makeup at regular intervals. While we taxied to the runway, she looked over and saw my hands ringing every ounce of fluid from themselves. She very nicely inquired if i was afraid of flying. I told her i was and she instantly said she was as well. She seemed OK to me. And then she said "want to know the best thing for fear of flying?" Well yes! "Valium". Of course it is.
Anyway, I'll start with what happens when i get to the airport. No, wait, I'll start when I'm about to leave FOR the airport. I don't think i have ever driven to an airport by myself because i am terrified that my car will be broken into or stolen or that i will be attacked while walking into the airport. Therefore i always get a driver or go with someone. Which is an added expense i don't need. And frankly even when i get a driver i'm conviced they are out to kill me as well.
Then there is the security checkpoint. Part of the problem is my social anxiety. The fact that so many people are looking so closely at me is very unnerving. I mean who knows what they see. I don't like feeling like I'm the center of attention. Granted, I'm sure I'm not even close to the strangest person that has passed through those radiated gates, but still. And it's also the fact that if i forgot to take off my shoes or something and get yelled at, more people will look at me and think I'm an idiot.
Then there is the fear that for some reason they will think I'm a terrorist. Yep, I'm scared of that. I honestly think that if i look nervous ( which i do ) or look around a lot ( which i do ) that i will taken down or shot. Seriously. I have a fear that the TSA agents are going to pull a sniper attack on me.
Once i get into the airport, I'm afraid of someone shooting up the place, a bomb going off, being kidnapped, being assaulted in the bathroom, and also of throwing up. Imagine every step you take towards your gate, having those thoughts run through your head on top of the fact that you are not the best flyer.
Once on the plane, i am insistent on a aisle seat. I usually pick my seat ahead of time or try to upgrade to first class so i am closer to a bathroom in case i need to throw up ( which i have never done on a plane ) and also so i don't feel like as many people are looking at me.
As for the plane itself, I'm afraid of it blowing up, being hijacked, crashing, dipping, moving, and every sound, bump, and tilt leads me to believe I'm about to die. I tend to watch the flight crew and over analyze every move they make for signs of distress. It's just not a fun experience for me. I love vacationing but i fear every time i go that i am developing my mother's fear of flying which has developed to a point where she can't even look at the inside of a plane on TV. If i can't even enjoy traveling, it's just another thing in my life I'm missing out on because of anxiety. But that fear, in my opinion, is at least the most normal.
Sorry for the lack of coherant paragraphs in this post. Insomnia has made my brain fuzzier than normal. Until next time, stay sane.
Now a lot of my anxieties about planes i think are "normal" for people who are nervous flyers. And i know a lot of people are scared of flying. For instance, on the flight up to Boston, i was seated across the aisle from a woman in her late twenties, happily flipping pages of a gossip magazine while applying makeup at regular intervals. While we taxied to the runway, she looked over and saw my hands ringing every ounce of fluid from themselves. She very nicely inquired if i was afraid of flying. I told her i was and she instantly said she was as well. She seemed OK to me. And then she said "want to know the best thing for fear of flying?" Well yes! "Valium". Of course it is.
Anyway, I'll start with what happens when i get to the airport. No, wait, I'll start when I'm about to leave FOR the airport. I don't think i have ever driven to an airport by myself because i am terrified that my car will be broken into or stolen or that i will be attacked while walking into the airport. Therefore i always get a driver or go with someone. Which is an added expense i don't need. And frankly even when i get a driver i'm conviced they are out to kill me as well.
Then there is the security checkpoint. Part of the problem is my social anxiety. The fact that so many people are looking so closely at me is very unnerving. I mean who knows what they see. I don't like feeling like I'm the center of attention. Granted, I'm sure I'm not even close to the strangest person that has passed through those radiated gates, but still. And it's also the fact that if i forgot to take off my shoes or something and get yelled at, more people will look at me and think I'm an idiot.
Then there is the fear that for some reason they will think I'm a terrorist. Yep, I'm scared of that. I honestly think that if i look nervous ( which i do ) or look around a lot ( which i do ) that i will taken down or shot. Seriously. I have a fear that the TSA agents are going to pull a sniper attack on me.
Once i get into the airport, I'm afraid of someone shooting up the place, a bomb going off, being kidnapped, being assaulted in the bathroom, and also of throwing up. Imagine every step you take towards your gate, having those thoughts run through your head on top of the fact that you are not the best flyer.
Once on the plane, i am insistent on a aisle seat. I usually pick my seat ahead of time or try to upgrade to first class so i am closer to a bathroom in case i need to throw up ( which i have never done on a plane ) and also so i don't feel like as many people are looking at me.
As for the plane itself, I'm afraid of it blowing up, being hijacked, crashing, dipping, moving, and every sound, bump, and tilt leads me to believe I'm about to die. I tend to watch the flight crew and over analyze every move they make for signs of distress. It's just not a fun experience for me. I love vacationing but i fear every time i go that i am developing my mother's fear of flying which has developed to a point where she can't even look at the inside of a plane on TV. If i can't even enjoy traveling, it's just another thing in my life I'm missing out on because of anxiety. But that fear, in my opinion, is at least the most normal.
Sorry for the lack of coherant paragraphs in this post. Insomnia has made my brain fuzzier than normal. Until next time, stay sane.
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