SA Drama

The problem with anxiety disorders is that they are a cycle of highs and lows. My OCD is better, thank goodness, but it made me realize how awful the social anxiety can be. I'm almost 27. I want the husband, i want the family. I want the relationships with friends who share my wants. I want a few friends my age who value the same things as me and share my views. Not that opposing views are bad, because they aren't, but it would be nice to be able to talk about politics and religion with people who see where I'm coming from and whom i won't offend with my views.

Even as a kid, i related with adults more than kids. I was never into the whole, drinking, partying scene. I think most of that stems from the SA and just grew into my personality as i developed. I think part of is that i don't know how to socially interact with peers. I tend to talk too much, or insert myself into conversations a bit too forcefully or at awkward times. It's like I'm so desperate to be part of a conversation, my brain doesn't pick up on cues like it should.

I also think i don't know how to tell a friend from an acquaintance. Much in the same way as someone with asperger's does but i can recognize that i may be fooling myself. I had no friends growing up really, so i don't think i see them as what they should be a lot. And as part of the SA i also question whether people i count as friends really like me. Does my best friend say the same of me? Is someone i call a friend someone who considers me a friendly acquaintance. What's the difference really?

I feel like the SA has just ruined that part of me. And no one really gets it. I mean i can explain it but i think it's very hard to understand getting ready to go out and making one hundred excuses why not to. Or showing up and being frozen to the spot. Or not taking care of yourself because why bother?

I look around even at my apartment and think, should i care? Is this the reason i don't take care of my apartment like i should? To keep people away? Why i don't have a morning routine like i should because why bother? If i don't even know why i do these things, why would anyone else bother to look deeper? Is it depression?

Maybe this is just me venting off some steam tonight. I just feel like the SA has taken away so much from me. Chances at relationships, chances at friendships, chances to find myself, chances to become an adult, and how many other things will it ruin? Will i be single forever, wishing for more?

So many people say "groups of friends" to me. "Different groups of friends". What groups? I have one friend and groups of people who may or may not even count me as a friend. I know i probably need to see a therapist but they are expensive and insurance won't cover it. Not to mention the whole process of finding someone. It's the same old story of how many people do i have to go to that don't help before i give up?